Tuesday, February 18, 2014

It's ok

It really is. I don't have any ill feelings left to wish upon you.
You can leave. I don't need you.
You deny my reality. You tell me I am wrong about my situation. You laugh at me.
No, I really don't need that. You continue to prove you only have that to offer. 
Good-bye. Peace to you. I truly hope you find real happiness. 
Real happiness must come from inside you; not at the detriment of others. 
Especially others you have called "Friend".

You told me we will always be friends even though I am acting ridiculous. Not a friendly statement.

Thing is, I am not acting. I am a terrible actor. If I weren't and I enjoyed acting, why would I love stage management so and choose to never audition?

I get it. Kind of. You are doing your best to cope. You made up your mind and then went after facts to prove you right and me wrong so you can let yourself off the hook.

I can't just take an anti-depressant and get a job and suddenly be better. 

I was on and off of every anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine you have ever seen a commercial for. Trust me, they didn't help. Bandaids don't help when you've been shot. 

But it is ok. I might not be. My body is really fighting. My mind too. But I am not depressed. I am extremely ill. I miss my life. So much that when I have an inkling of feeling better (which is still not feeling well, just felling slightly less pain) I work. I just can't work steadily enough to earn money to cover my medical costs. Hence the constant fundraising.

When I say, "It's ok" I mean. I am not mad, sad, or anything towards you. I have let you go. I mourned the loss of my friend long ago. Now I have closure. 

I have fewer friends these days. I know my behavior has been a large part of that. I was and still can be pretty erratic at times. I have a symptom of the DISEASE. I have three bacterial infections in my brain. Fact. Positive tests. So you deny me that, and you deny my reality. 

My behavior, I know, is hard to understand. Harder still to explain. Harder still to handle alone. My brain tells me lies. When I am nearly paralyzed with pain, it is hard to rationalize with my Self what is real. What is a true threat. I often mistake a benign experience as a very threatening one. Sometimes, you may think that I am feeling awkward because I am uncomfortable with being sick. I am not. I am simply in pain. I am beyond physical comfort and to try to be 'normal' in social situations is hard. It can come across as though I don't accept my situation. In reality, I just don't always want to be looking sick. Sometimes I just want to pretend I am well. I got so good at it that for years, most people didn't know anything was wrong. It nearly worked. (Actually it worked so well for so long but just until the point I was too sick to cover it up and now people think I am acting when I am finally showing the truth.) I thought I could keep tricking my body to be healthy by acting so. But, sadly, the day came where I was too sick to hide it from anyone. I had to let people know my secret. I had been hiding symptoms since 2nd grade. I wanted to excel. I want to be the best of the best. I still do. Right now, I have to kill these infections. 

In the meantime, I am probably very awkward in social situations. Not because they make me uncomfortable. I love being around people. I just haven't found the sweet spot between pretending I am well so I don't have to explain, and letting people see how sick I am. Young people are very uncomfortable around a very sick peer. I am a very sick young adult. 

Oh and I am really sorry if I seem to be really really awkward every time you see me, there are a few people that for the life of me, I cannot connect your face with you or your name or the last time I saw you or why I should know you. So if we know each other and I look lost, please just kindly remind me of who you are. 

*the you in this is not one person, but a substantial amount of people. But if you know part of this was written to you, I hope you can either understand a bit better or have the grace to judge me no more. 

After all, I miss having friends around. But, I would much rather the handful of people willing to see me look at them and ask them their name after they have been with me all morning and just say, "I am so and so and we are friends..." then to chase after people who don't want to treat me with grace, love, and understanding. 

It is ok. I won't be chasing you anymore. I deserve better. I'll have more energy now to heal. I will not be coming back to our friendship. It's ok. I wish you nothing but the best. 

(If you don't know me, I hope you don't think this cruel. This, the place I am emotionally right now, is the healthiest I have been since revealing to the outside world that I am sick. Many people don't believe me and while they are part of the larger problem, they can no longer be part of my personal problem. Like I said that is ok. I will no longer be grabbing people to pull their head out of the sand. But what is really not ok, is saying you love someone and not accepting their reality. If your partner, child, sister, friend, roommate is insanely ill, don't label her insane. Love her/him and learn to help. Education and awareness will save lives. Many people who suffer this disease die from suicide. They become so isolated, unloved, mocked, forgotten, homeless, hopeless, penniless and seek only peace. Please be a part of the solution not part of the problem. <3)

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