I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. For those of you who left your dwelling and stay with friends or family, were you able to stick to the diet? It is incredibly hard when there is gluten, dairy and sugar everywhere you look.
My family was nice enough to make me a Christmas dinner that was gluten free, but they just don't understand how difficult it is passing real rolls and smelling that deliciousness. I have never tried crack or heroin or anything of the like, but I call real bread crack. It is so hard for me to be good and stick to a diet that makes me feel better. I stayed for 3 nights. I hardly slept and I felt like crap. Thankfully, my parents cable package comes with BBC America. I was able to spend the entire day on the 26th entranced by the drama that is the 10th Doctor. It is my safe place.
I know I am really letting my nerd flag fly at the moment, but let me share with you the importance of the Doctor in my world.
Four years ago, I had just gone through an extremely hard breakup. I was bedridden. I had been misdiagnosed by Mayo Clinic up in Rochester. I was told I had Fibro and unexplained chronic migraines and involuntary movements. I was also told by the doctor in charge of my case never to ask about Lyme again because I didn't have as evident by my negative ELISA test. Bullcrap. All of it. Nearly 2 decades after infection and they did an ELISA only. Anyway, I signed up for a trial of Netflix. A friend of mine from college had moved to CA and was attending San Diego ComicCon and was cos-playing as some character from this British show, "Doctor Who", she wouldn't shut up about on Facebook. I thought, "What the hell; I will watch an episode and see if I can understand her obsession." Six hours and six episodes later I was also obsessed.
(Don't worry. This entire post isn't a comment on my obsession.)
What I learned, was that I could stay in bed and feel sorry for myself or I could enjoy something even if I was stuck in bed. I could dramatically dissect the character arcs and attempt to use my brain and degree again. (I have a Bachelor of Arts in Drama, and half of one in Spanish) As my eyes were failing to read well and my hand were failing to type or write or hold a book, my only option was to watch. Going to shows around town was too costly both financially and physically.
What the Doctor taught me, and continues to teach me, is beyond what I could achieve on my own at this stage of my life and my illness. The Doctor sees the best in people. I often see the worst. Though not sure why, this is one of my worst qualities and one I constantly work against. My LLMD says as my brain heals, this symptom will disappear. It better leave soon; I am really tired of this. The Doctor reminds me of the best parts of humanity. A group which at large usually annoys me to no end. I often get mad at my closest friends. I often hate them. The hate isn't justified. It simply shows up and disappears. Sometimes I describe my friends as the ones I hate the least. While that is true, especially during times when I have failed to properly detox, I honestly love them. I eagerly await the the PICC line and (probably hard times of) starting antibiotic treatment again.
And once again, my brain has wandered. So in the end, I have finally found my thesis once more. Here it is:
Whether you find your humanity in a show about an alien or God or quantum physics or music, find it and hold it dearly. Some days, without a Doctor binge, I would not have the ability to act in any humane way towards others. It is my safe place. My baby blanket. It is the thing that allows me to cry (not only cry but laugh and smile) simply as a human and not as a human in unexplainable pain. It cleanses beyond belief.
Now I know that not everyone will find that in SciFi, or more specifically an alien mad man with a box for a spaceship who befriends and constantly saves the human race from other alien threats, but wherever you find yourself and your heart, follow it and embrace it.
We have plenty to worry about, we won't be without pain for an unknown time, give yourself something that temporarily makes you forget.