Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Every year. Every year I think, surprised, "Gosh, this past October, and for that matter, this November, have been really, really bad". Somehow, I forget. This year was 6 full trips to the ER and one half trip. By that I mean, we left because they didn't think I was high priority. 

I am still fighting. I am very much weaker than I have ever been. I spend most hours of the day dragging myself from the bed to the couch and back again. Oh, and also trying to feed myself food and pills. 

This month (use this term loosely, consider it from the time I last posted) my medicaid and food stamps came up for review. For those counting it's been since April since I had to fight the last battle for them. It just seems so incredibly stupid to waste man-hours on sending out notices, (me jumping through hoops again, and) hours spent on the phone talking to me when everyone did all this within the calendar year. 

Yeah, I know, some people cheat the system, but I am not one of them. Most of us aren't. Getting that dreaded state social services envelope in the mailbox now sends me in to a full panic attack. I never know if I can convince this new person that I need this help to survive. In the meantime, I put more strain on the system by going to the ER, because I am unable to take care of myself health-wise in order to meet the seeming random re-evaluations. But I don't get a choice. I have to make sure I have medicaid and food, before I can take care of myself. My self care takes such a toll on my mind, body, and spirit, that if I don't drop it to go through the requirements which often require a scavenger hunt and many breakdowns, I will die in treatment from starvation. God, even reading that statement to myself sounds so melodramatic, but I promise you it's not. At last count, my doctor told me I am 20 lbs underweight. That day I clocked in at 98. 
Today, my clothes are even bigger. 

I am still trying to nail down a decent medical team in the area. My specialist still wants me coming to see him every 2 months. I still haven't figured out how on earth to pay for that. If anyone has any brilliant ideas, please let me know. And while your at figure out that $200 every 8 weeks, if you can magically find another $200 a month for medicines, that'd be peachy. Thanks. 

I hope everyone is staying warm!

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