It broke me. I completely collapsed. I felt like no matter what I do, I can't stop drowning. The only option I felt was suicide. I felt like Lyme and the expenses had won. Please know that I share this not to beg for unhealthy attention or to cause drama, but to allow for the larger community to understand why so many Lyme deaths are suicide. And to let other Lymies know that we all go through it. Luckily, I have my 3 people who pull me back up. Even if it is just treading water with them holding me up the whole time. I am still here. If you have Lyme, you likely have depression and suicidal thoughts; please have a way to get help, people to call on speed dial or a compassionate ear line number. If you love someone with Lyme, please take the time to understand that they aren't whining for the sake of whining or causing drama for drama sake. They truly are suffering and need a bit of extra love. It took me 4 hours, 3 friends, "manic" organizing of paperwork (my full time "job" is taking pills and knowing what letter is where and what it reads, oh and staying alive, that too ;) ) And my constant question I ask myself and anyone else who
So I search for fundraising opportunities. I call drug companies to see about hardship programs. And I wait. I wait for the work to pay off. I plead with the universe to give me a break so I can focus my energy on healing and nothing else. I race my body to get done what I can before the disease becomes too active for me to do anything. That will mean no more walking, but crawling or, as Sam says, "zombie walk", and tremors and seizure like symptoms and dementia. I can feel it now. I have about another hour. Sam was going to take me to get food. I hope I can make it.
If you read yesterday, you know about my troubles with the Food Stamps/ Medicaid lady. I dropped off all the newly required paperwork that I mentioned and when we got home, I had a notice in the mailbox to bring them in. Bam! Done! Not that that means that I am approved or anything, but it was nice to have something done. I will find out tomorrow or the day after if I will have a lawyer represent me for the Food stamps.