Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Gaining strength

I have been off of antibiotics for 3 weeks now. My sleep is steadily getting better; more and larger segments at a time. I even had a dream last night that wasn't a nightmare. This is huge! I have only had nightmares for months.

As far as pills go, I am getting all of what I need down (by all, I mean what I could afford). Still having a hard time eating and I fear that instead of gaining weight, I am still losing it. My next LLMD appointment is in 1 month. I hope I will have build up by strength by then to start treating co's. 

Right now I would say the hardest physical battles are weakness and lack of appetite. I am still passing out and tremoring, just not as much. Emotionally, I fear being able to pay for the meds and other bills. I panic that people whom I love misinterpret my actions as aggressive or unfriendly. I know that sometimes I am those things, but I am learning to recognize them as symptoms and separate them from me, myself, my identity, and then it becomes easier to catch before they come out. Also, I have been threatened by letters from the state day after day about losing my food stamps and not qualifying for Medicaid. 

For the record, after about 2 weeks of fighting, I will still be able to get food. Medicaid is still pending.

The stresses of managing the assistance to just stay alive, not even treating, are pushing me to my limits. I have broken down crying many times over the last few weeks. It makes the symptoms so much harder to deal with. I long for the day when all I have to do is treatment even though I know that will be hell, it will at least be noticeable progress. 

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