Thursday, January 17, 2013

Not a good week

I had this great idea of something really deep to write. But I lost it. I can't even remember what the general concept was.

I am not doing well. I am in horrendous pain. I am emotionally out of gas. I am out of money. However there will be an appointment with an LLMD soon (2 months away), so that's good.

Honestly, I have spent most of this week crying. In pain. In loneliness. In fear. In morning of what I dreams and time I have lost. I have cried so much, I have that constant headache. It's induced vomiting. I haven't sleep for more than half hour to 45 min increments in God knows how long. I am tired. I need a break. If only I was able to work for a few days. I want nothing to do with this horrible disease. I want to hang out with people without crashing halfway through. Just a few days off where I am not unreasonably limited. Please? I really don't know how many more of these horrible days I can survive without some sort of a break. I feel like I should be on Injured Reserve yet, here I am game after game, playing hurt, getting worse and staying in for the full 90 minutes. If only there were a way to get real rest and recovery and I could have the energy to come at it full or at least half power...

I hate these posts. I don't want them to be a pity party. It's not what I or other chronically ill people need. We need inclusion. Friends to stop by. Invites to things that we are capable of joining and not worry about trying to hide symptoms. We need people to see us and our symptoms as separate (yet understand that they are inescapable sometimes) and not avoid our presence because the symptoms are weird or scary. We know they are. We deal with them constantly.

People need to see what this disease does. Honesty and openness are the only way to bring about awareness which will lead to change.

So where is the line between being open and honest and just coming across as a little whiner?


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