Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Warning: this gets a bit "ranty". I did say I would share what I was going through. So here you go:

I don't know if there is a word to describe what I have been feeling. Its beyond exhaustion, frustration and sickness. When i am well enough to think correctly, I am not well enough to do anything productive. Then I get bored. I am stuck looking at screens all day. It's so boring. I'd really like to read a book, but cant hold one for long enough. When my mind isn't well enough to function, I feel like i'm losing the fight. It is so hard to see that there will be an end to this. I don't truly know what well feels like. I am in hell trying to get to a point that, today, this week, anyway feels like it is impossible. Is it crazy to fight with everything you've got for something that you find hard to believe will ever happen?

On top of everything else, I am running out of funds. I will be ok to about mid November. I just hate asking people for money. I have been arguing with the local office for food stamps for 6 weeks. They are making me jump through hoops. I know that a certain amount of people will always cheat the system. But don't you think that the people who really need help have the time/ability to play these stupid games. 6 weeks I have been getting letters with false threats of no approval only to be told over the phone that it's wrong and I am sent to another number to leave another voicemail to wait for another call that won't happen. And when it doesn't I have to call again and still not talk to the people i actually need. 

I am getting angry. I cannot tell if its a symptom anymore. maybe i am just actually mad. I guess you would be too if you never saw anyone. You never get to work. You never have any sort of good consequence for working your ass off (having and treating lyme is like having more than a full time job). I know I don't have an actual job right now. But trying to get well is literally the hardest thing I have ever done. Every single thing I do is work. Getting out of bed in the morning is work. I have almost zero apatite and I have to work to choke down food just so I can choke down pills. Pills that kill the bugs so if I don't work hard enough to detox i feel worse. The catch is that if i don't feel well enough to detox i get so toxic and I cannot to anything. Well, anything that doesn't include being in bed and screaming in pain while trying to distract myself with Hulu. Oh and crap tv is hardly a good distraction. I long to be able to suit up and warm chat and hold classes, make money, build my team, and lead those women to success. My dreams are beginning to fade. I am not going to quit, but without a vision of where I am going, it is awfully hard to go. 

Ok, finish this tea. its 3 o'clock, and granted you couldn't get up and out of bed until noon (not nearly as glamorous as it sounds) you ate food. You're half way through your morning meds and you must continue. 3 hours not in a bed and I am ready to go back to sleep. I cannot sleep that ever elusive food stamps call was promised to happen by the end of business today. I cannot miss this call. I am nearly out of food. Must fight to stay conscious. Hulu please have something to keep my mind going. This stupid (well not really, but right now that's how I feel) site that keeps track of how much I write each day is urging me to get to my 750 words. My hands hurt.  You know that fleshy part where your thumbs attach? I feel like they had pig weights dropped on them and then they were inexplicably stabbed. Why? Well, when you kill Lyme it freaks out and so do its evil side kicks, we so "lovingly" refer to as co's (co-infections: the other crap the tick gave me) The bartonella has been really pissed off at me this week. My face painfully swelled up the other night. There are two muscles in your leg the most interior muscles on the shin bone, both opposite of each other and both cramping. It is as if they are working together to break my leg. And with that I have 750 stupid, painful words.   

Like I said, "ranty". Here is hoping things start to look up. 

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