Friday, September 28, 2012


You know that feeling you get when you have had the flu for the better part of the week? You can't even pinpoint symptoms anymore. You just know you feel like crap. All I can think is, "well, somethings terribly wrong." I'm shaky and dizzy even when I am lying down. I am hungry and nauseated at the same time. I feel fat and famished. 
I missed a very important phone call this morning because I was too confused to understand what what happening when Sam handed me the phone. I passed back out and didn't wake until nearly 1. I cannot seem to keep my mind occupied with anything. I cant read. I tried. Holding the book was too much for my hands. Even typing this is a strain, one i will surely pay for soon. I have grown bored of Hulu and Netflix. 
Air hunger is awful today. If you don't know what i mean by that, its the sensation of not getting any air in your lungs. In actuality, i am getting air but my red blood cells are struggling. therefore, lack of oxygen in the body. 
I am scared. (Probably for no reason.)
I feel shaky. 
I am tired of being alone. 
I miss my life.
 (I am going to have to nap before finishing this entry.)

Some how i miraculously managed to take a shower. Though it took way longer than i had hoped. I tend to get stuck in there.

I also got the mail which proved to bring on yet another fight. See, I applied for food stamps over a month ago. I was so hesitant to do so. I never wanted to rely on the state for help. But after much thought, I accepted that my situation is precisely why those programs exist. I applied. Three to four weeks later, I received a letter stating that I was denied because I missed my interview. This was the first correspondence I had received. No letter. No phone call. I called the number on the letter and got the automated system that we all enjoy so much. I left a message. Four days later I called again. I finally talked to a human. I explained what had happened and she said she would have someone call me by last week. Well, I have been herxing hard and never got a call and didn't feel well enough to call them to check. This morning Sam hands me a ringing phone but i was too symptomatic to understand that I should answer it (yes Lyme really does rob you of that ability). I called them back this afternoon. They put me back on the interview list. This time I made certain to explain that my symptoms are horrible in the mornings and afternoons are the best time to call. Well, in the mail I received yet another denial letter (keep in mind, they called this morning, after said letter had been sent) stating that I missed my interview and am denied again. And another letter saying I might be eligible for expedient food stamps. So I called again. I left my name and necessary identification numbers and now I begin the wait... again. 

On top of feeling like absolute crap today. I don't understand how anyone expects someone so sick to be ready and able to answer a call when given no time frame. There are so many obstacles to get though that have nothing to do with my health. I am trying to get assistance from non-profits that maybe can each pay a fraction. I am in the process of filing for disability and medicaid and help with a housing voucher. But until those are in or approved or I've jumped just high enough at the right moment, I rely on friends and fundraisers. 

I am so tired. I am tired of hurting and being sick. I am tired of not being able to take care of myself. I am tired of people not believing me. Lymies fight for their lives everyday. Why must we fight our friends, family, community and government for acceptance and understanding and belief in the disease?

On a totally separate note, I have received two small messages on Facebook over the last two days. Both made me cry (the good cry). I have spent so many hours crying in pain; this time it came from feeling loved, not forgotten. Thank you! 

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