Friday, September 21, 2012

Inner Monologue


I actually wrote this yesterday, but forgot to post it. 

Second increase in abx was yesterday. I feel somewhat cognitively here. My voice apparently sounds fine. I am sooo exhaused and my feet hurt. The new Upillow did wonders for my sleep last night though. It still wasnt a perfect nights sleep but it's the best I have had in a while. I keep wanting to do productive things. I suppose that is my personality coming out from behind the illness. You know like shower eat, clean up, pack for the move. Every time I stand I get dizzy and fall or I stand up just long enough to forget what I was going to do and become entranced by the room swaying. It's quite relaxing, kind of like being on a boat, until you realize that the room shouldn't move like that. I keep looking around at all of my belongings. I like what I have and I have certainly downsized since I moved from Manhattan. But, I still feel like I own way too much. I don't want to be emotionally attached to so many items. Yesterday I started researching tips on getting rid of junk. I learned about the 100 possessions practice. Which is exactly what it sounds like. I am sure I have half of that in medication and health items. All of which I actually need. Then there is a room like the kitchen. People keep one plate, bowl, and utensil per person in the household. That just doesn't seem practical to someone who can hardly eat sometimes let alone clean the dish afterwards. (Thank god for dishwashers.) But I would like to cut down on items. Where do you that best. I love my books. I find comfort from having them near me. I dont have that many. Ok well maybe a hundred. But I have gotten rid of many in the past few years. Some people say craft supplies or candles are easy to cut first. Well, not if you used these things on a very regular basis. I guess non-artsy, non-theatre people can toss something without thinking, this is a great prop/costume etc. Is it ok that I am willing to let myself stay comforted by the collections I have amassed? I really have the most when it comes to furnature. My grandma died a few years ago and I got a houseful. I love her stuff and I am very comforted by the fact that I am surrounded by things of hers. When I am well enough, I manage to keep them clutter free. (My clutter tends to be medicine bottles, doctors/pharmacy receipts, and (looking around... ) thats mostly all of it. I do really hate the clutter though. I also hate taking all of the medicine too but I cant really do that so I guess I will have to find a way to keep it off of my flat surfaces and in a place it calls home. Sam is now working 4 jobs. Meaning, I am mostly alone. I haven't decided how I feel about it. I suppose that because I have no control over it, it really doenst matter how I feel. I keep trying to do more and more on my own. I am more and more exhausted and in pain. I need to get back on the herbal treatments. I cut back when my throat started having a hard time with the pills. Even food gets stuck and I feel like I am choking. Add 20+ pills and the 750 ml it takes to get them down and we are talking a very full and upset stomach and throat. I wish i could take more than a pill at a time. I used to be able. I cannot remember when I took the abx. I need to take the probiotics. I dont want my gut to start having more problems. I cant rememeber what day it is. I keep panicing that I have missed my friday appointment. I look at all the calanders and they say thursday yet every 20 min or so, I panic again.. This is exhausting. All of it. I really hate that I dont have the mental capacity to concentrate long enough to keep a job. (Not even thinking about the conscious part) The remembering meds and when, and food and when, and detox and when, and, and, and... is well over a full time job. It's 168 hours a week. I feel like I am downing in it already and I just started treatment. Oh.. My kingdom for a day without symptoms.

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