Sunday, September 16, 2012

Bad day

Today I am far from ok. I am a huge mess. I took melatonin last night to try to sleep. I still woke up with some pretty crazy nightmares. I slept well past kickoff, which if you're still a Chiefs fan hardly matters anymore, but Sundays I find comfort in my football. Then I couldn't get the feed of the Jets game (the team I really like who doesn't pretend to be good and suck. They actually play football. It really is a much healthier relationship)
I desperately need to move. This place is actually toxic to my system (mold). I have zero energy to find a place. I can't live alone- it's not safe. There is no way to know when I will get my SSDI and food stamps and housing help. I feel like I am days away from sleeping in my car. The new landlord for the place Sam found won't approve me because I "have no proof of income" and I don't have anyone to co-sign. The fundraiser has given me enough to pay rent, but I have to have a place to pay rent.. I feel so stuck and a helpless. I would give anything to be able to work. Geez.
I feel like I will never have the strength to make it through treatment. I know it is my only option, but today I do not feel like I will succeed.
Each day my pain tops the day before which I couldn't fathom getting any harder to endure, yet amazingly, each day is somehow worse. I need a break from the pain.

I feel badly. As though I shouldn't come on here to complain. I thought about it for a while. With a revisit to why I began writing this blog, I concluded that I must include posts like this. I set out to show what this disease does to people. Today, I am alienated, alone, terrified, angry, and sick. I need some relief.


I wanted to actually document my symptoms. 

My fever is 101*+. Every time I blink my eyes my eyelids feel like they are burning. My face feels like I took a decent left hook in my sleep. My bones actually hurt. You can't tell by looking at me as there are no bruises. I just look hung over. My neck and back are horrible. So tight, so painful and stretching wont relieve anything. The only break I get is in the tub, but I risk my safety just getting in. I don’t want to pass out in the water. I need to eat and yet forcing food down my throat sounds torturous. (besides it wont be digested and it'll come back up) Soon it will be time for another doxy dose and within an hour I'll be worse… AGAIN. 

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